Such a simple word, but for those that suffer with it, it means so much.
It’s spending everyday being betrayed by your own body, fighting your own brain every second, of every minute of every hour of everyday.
It’s feeling like you can never really let your guard down, because the shadows will bleed in and start picking at the wounds littering your psyche.
It starts out like whispers, faint, but mostly easy to ignore, but it grows, and grows, until it is so loud and tripping over the top of itself that it sounds like static.
Constantly hearing, “Why even bother to try, you’re just going to fail anyways?” “You’re not good enough; you will never be good enough.” “It’s dangerous outside.” “You’re so stupid.” “You’re broken.” “You’re too ugly.” “Too fat.” “Too thin.” “You’re doing it wrong.” “Go away.” “No one wants to talk to you.” “Shut up.” “No one wants to hear you.” “No one likes you.” “You’re bothering people.” “People don’t want to see you.” “You’re damaged. “People are dangerous.” “The world is dangerous.” “You suck.” “Your husband is upset, what did you do?” “He only stays for the kids.” “You’re a terrible mother.” “You’re going to damage your kids.” “Your kids are going to hate you.” “What if something terrible happens?” “What if it’s the end of the world?” “How will you keep your kids safe?” “How will you survive without your husband?” “What if…” “What IF…” “WHAT IF…?!” “You’re not good enough.” “You are not good enough.” “YOU are not good enough.” “You ARE NOT good enough.” “You are NOT good enough.” “You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH.” “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”
It’s a struggle. It’s painful. Sometimes it gets to be so much, that your chest gets too tight, your lungs squeeze, and you wheeze. You can’t get air. You can’t breathe. No air. Tears pour down your face. Your muscles lock up. You shake. Your body begins to shut down, because it thinks it is under attack. And it is.
Afterwards, you feel worse. You body hurts. Your lungs, your throat, your muscles. Your head hurts. Your eyes are swollen and aggravated. And now your brain is calling you stupid, over and over, for freaking out for no reason.
You really begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt others. After all, you hear it every day, cycling through your brain, a soundtrack on repeat. It’s your own brain. It wouldn’t lie to you, right? Right?!
Some people can find a way to struggle through it, fight it, and get better on their own. Some need the help and support of their friends and family. Others need the help of doctors and medication.
None of those options are wrong. Whatever you need to do to get better, to feel stronger do it.
You are not damaged. You are not broken. You just need help.
You are not alone. YOU are not alone. You ARE NOT alone. You are NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!