Anxiety

 

Such a simple word, but for those that suffer with it, it means so much.

It’s spending everyday being betrayed by your own body, fighting your own brain every second, of every minute of every hour of everyday.

It’s feeling like you can never really let your guard down, because the shadows will bleed in and start picking at the wounds littering your psyche.

It starts out like whispers, faint, but mostly easy to ignore, but it grows, and grows, until it is so loud and tripping over the top of itself that it sounds like static.

Constantly hearing, “Why even bother to try, you’re just going to fail anyways?” “You’re not good enough; you will never be good enough.” “It’s dangerous outside.” “You’re so stupid.” “You’re broken.” “You’re too ugly.” “Too fat.” “Too thin.” “You’re doing it wrong.” “Go away.” “No one wants to talk to you.” “Shut up.” “No one wants to hear you.” “No one likes you.” “You’re bothering people.” “People don’t want to see you.” “You’re damaged. “People are dangerous.” “The world is dangerous.” “You suck.” “Your husband is upset, what did you do?” “He only stays for the kids.” “You’re a terrible mother.” “You’re going to damage your kids.” “Your kids are going to hate you.” “What if something terrible happens?” “What if it’s the end of the world?” “How will you keep your kids safe?” “How will you survive without your husband?” “What if…” “What IF…” “WHAT IF…?!” “You’re not good enough.” “You are not good enough.” “YOU are not good enough.” “You ARE NOT good enough.” “You are NOT good enough.” “You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH.” “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

It’s a struggle. It’s painful. Sometimes it gets to be so much, that your chest gets too tight, your lungs squeeze, and you wheeze. You can’t get air. You can’t breathe. No air. Tears pour down your face. Your muscles lock up. You shake. Your body begins to shut down, because it thinks it is under attack. And it is.

Afterwards, you feel worse. You body hurts. Your lungs, your throat, your muscles. Your head hurts. Your eyes are swollen and aggravated. And now your brain is calling you stupid, over and over, for freaking out for no reason.

You really begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt others. After all, you hear it every day, cycling through your brain, a soundtrack on repeat. It’s your own brain. It wouldn’t lie to you, right? Right?!

Some people can find a way to struggle through it, fight it, and get better on their own. Some need the help and support of their friends and family. Others need the help of doctors and medication.

None of those options are wrong. Whatever you need to do to get better, to feel stronger do it.

You are not damaged. You are not broken. You just need help.

You are not alone. YOU are not alone. You ARE NOT alone. You are NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

 

 

 

 

Introducing…

Amara. 

Amara is the protagonist in my, yet unnamed, novel-in-progress. Her name has multiple meanings, depending on the language: in German in means eternal or steadfast, in Greek it means eternal or unfading, in Igbo it means grace, in Sanskrit it means eternal, and in Latin it means everlasting or beloved. The meanings I was most drawn to were the German for steadfast, and the Latin beloved. She was beloved by her parents, who named her, and being steadfast is a facet of her personality.

She is about 26, but she doesn’t know her exact birthday, one, because it isn’t relevant to the story, and two, she was born in a post-apocalyptic world, so her parents’ main concern was keeping themselves, and her, alive, so they weren’t really focused on keep track of the date after things went bad. All she knows, is that she was born some time in the fall, shortly after the leaves had started turning colors.

She has gray eyes like her father did, but auburn hair like her mother. She keeps it cut short, about to her chin, for practicality’s, and safety’s, sake. It’s easier to take care of it, at chin length, things don’t get stuck in it. Plus, it’s a lot harder for someone to grab short hair than long. She’s about 5’5″, give or take, because she ended up being close to the same height as her mother, and that’s how tall she had been. She’s on the thin side, not by choice, food is hard to come by, so it is religiously guarded, and rationed. Her skin is well tanned, due to spending vast amounts of time outdoors, mostly because of a lack of safe shelter.

She has an old, beat-up, backpack she always wears, that was her mother’s, and a machete that was her father’s. She also carries both of their rings on a chain around her neck.

Amara tends to be quiet and reserved, only speaking when she feels like it is needed. This is due in part to being taught to be super cautious around people, spending a majority of her life only with her parents, and then the remaining portion of it alone. She is very logical, and has a hard time processing emotion, so she comes across as uncomfortable, and awkward in emotional situations. She can become easily annoyed with people, especially if she feels they are being illogical, and can often times be to blunt, again, due to limited social interaction. She does have a dry, or sarcastic, sense of humor, which can often be taken negatively.

Due to having a hard time understanding, and handling, emotion, she has an extremely hard time speaking about it. Trying to do so, often times, has her shutting down. That does not mean that she is emotionless, and does not care. In fact, she can care very deeply, and shows it by doing things for whomever she cares for, whether that be giving the last bit of a food item to them, because she knows it’s their favorite, or taking first watch, because the person did not sleep well the night before.

Well, that is Amara.

What does everyone think?

My next post will focus on another character. So look out for that.

 

My Plot Board 3

So, I’ve done as much as I can for now, but I wouldn’t call it finished. Things will probably get shifted, added, and removed as I actually write. How it is now will act as a road map, keeping me on track. Now I can really get writing again, and I am so excited.

In my next post, I will be introducing my main character. So, look out for that.

Has anyone else started/been plotting? How’s it going?

Don’t forget to like, and comment below. I love hearing from you guys.

My Plot Board 2

Here’s an updated version of my plot board.  I’ve moved some things around, and added things. I’ve done some sub-plotting. I’ve also wrote down facts needed to keep at least some of my story accurate.

The big green notes are major points for the story.

The blue notes are certain actions that are important, ones that generally lead up to, or stem from, the green notes.

The yellow is dialogue that I want to remember for certain parts.

The pale pink is facts that I want to remember, to keep myself straight.

The purple and orange are two sub-plots.

So, what do you guys think?

Do you think a plot board could be a useful tool for you as well?